It's been a while since I've had some good old fashioned crazy. Sure, I saw a man walking down the street with a cat sitting on top of his head. I also saw a woman in the subway, who was totally normal-looking, except that she was barefoot. BAREFOOT! How badly did she want a staph infection? The answer is: pretty badly. But none of that happened to me, it was all just general New York mad-hattery. Today, though, my boss forwarded me a message and asked me to respond, and oh, what a delightful phone call it was.
Basically, the call was from this woman who wanted to publish her poems. Our conversation went a little something like this:
"Hi, my name is XXXX*, and I need you to give me some information about poetry publishers"
"Um, well, you're aware that we don't publish anything right?"
"Yeah, yeah, but, you know, you guys have all that information, and I need to get in contact with these people."
"May I ask why?"
"Well, you see, let me explain. It's like, I wrote a poem, ok? For a funeral, you know? It's called 'Why I Say Mother'. But then I was looking at it, and I changed it to 'Why I Say Grandmother', then 'Why I Say Father', and then, before you know it, I had 30 poems, all with different family members. So what I was thinking is, I would publish a book of my poems, but it would also be a how-to book."
"Ok"
"Yeah, it would be like my own poems and then the rest would explain how I wrote them. Because these poems are good for anyone. I mean, you always need poems for a funeral, and this way people could read mine, and then I'd tell them how to write their own so they'd have them for a funeral."
"I see."
"So basically, I need to get these published and then I can sell directly to funeral directors."
"Oh. Well. Uhhhhhh, you know, the best way to find and contact publishers is online. Have you checked out the Poetry Society of America's list of small presses?"
"You see, now that's a problem, because I live in a very rural area, so I don't have access to a computer out here."
"I understand, but, you see, the best way really would be to go online. Is there a library somewhere you could use to get on the internet?"
"But I live in a rural area."
(Because they don't have libraries in any rural area? Whatever lady. How'd you find this number then?)
"I see. Well that's a very difficult situation, but unfortunately, I really can't help you. I'll give you the website in case you're ever near a computer and able to do some research."
"Oh, ok, well, do you know anything about children's publishers? Because I have an idea for a children's book. But I'd really need a co-author first, but then I could write one."
......and on and on and on for 20 minutes. I pity the funeral director who decides to buy her book.
*name omitted to protect the Crazy.
Basically, the call was from this woman who wanted to publish her poems. Our conversation went a little something like this:
"Hi, my name is XXXX*, and I need you to give me some information about poetry publishers"
"Um, well, you're aware that we don't publish anything right?"
"Yeah, yeah, but, you know, you guys have all that information, and I need to get in contact with these people."
"May I ask why?"
"Well, you see, let me explain. It's like, I wrote a poem, ok? For a funeral, you know? It's called 'Why I Say Mother'. But then I was looking at it, and I changed it to 'Why I Say Grandmother', then 'Why I Say Father', and then, before you know it, I had 30 poems, all with different family members. So what I was thinking is, I would publish a book of my poems, but it would also be a how-to book."
"Ok"
"Yeah, it would be like my own poems and then the rest would explain how I wrote them. Because these poems are good for anyone. I mean, you always need poems for a funeral, and this way people could read mine, and then I'd tell them how to write their own so they'd have them for a funeral."
"I see."
"So basically, I need to get these published and then I can sell directly to funeral directors."
"Oh. Well. Uhhhhhh, you know, the best way to find and contact publishers is online. Have you checked out the Poetry Society of America's list of small presses?"
"You see, now that's a problem, because I live in a very rural area, so I don't have access to a computer out here."
"I understand, but, you see, the best way really would be to go online. Is there a library somewhere you could use to get on the internet?"
"But I live in a rural area."
(Because they don't have libraries in any rural area? Whatever lady. How'd you find this number then?)
"I see. Well that's a very difficult situation, but unfortunately, I really can't help you. I'll give you the website in case you're ever near a computer and able to do some research."
"Oh, ok, well, do you know anything about children's publishers? Because I have an idea for a children's book. But I'd really need a co-author first, but then I could write one."
......and on and on and on for 20 minutes. I pity the funeral director who decides to buy her book.
*name omitted to protect the Crazy.
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