Friends, please don't think that I'm a rage-filled person. I'm really not. But every once in a while, I have a series of days that can only be dealt with by unleashing vast quantities of snark upon the world, or upon my blog and the 5 people who read it. Here are the things that have been making me a bitch(face?) lately:
1) Taxis
Sure, it was raining. That would certainly explain why the first 300 drove right by me with warm, snuggly New Yorkers already swaddled in their pleather back seats. But when one finally stopped for me, and I asked "Penn Station?" He just gave me a dismissive hand-flip and drove away, as if to say "Oh, piffle! That's only a 20 minute walk through the freezing wind and rain on this, the first truly wintry day of October, and I have some very important calls to make on my bluetooth. Your $8 of easy cab fare are dead to me, you miserable resident of the Garden State." Really?! You won't take pity on me, with my backpack, oversized purse, and broken umbrella? A pox on your bluetooth!
2) Inappropriate footwear
Well, hello teal silk flats. Aren't you looking lovely today? I think we'll make a delightful outfit, you and I. Let's take a stroll through the city. Oh.....it's raining? Well, I'm already out the door, no time to go back up and change into boots, so we'll just have to manage. What's that? You're not water-proof? Well that's alright. You are, after all, made of silk, so I wasn't expecting a miracle. I'll just stay away from the deeper puddles. Oh, wait, when you said "not waterproof," what you really meant was YOU DON'T FEEL LIKE DOING YOUR JOB, which is to be a FUCKING SHOE and protect my feet from the elements. Seriously. How is there water coming through the soles of my shoes?
3) People who can't walk in a straight line
Pick a side, swervy! I've got places to be. On a side note, I knew I had gotten just a little tooooo feisty when, walking behind an old lady in CVS, I almost choked because of the effort it took not to scream "make a slow lane, grandma!" Old people can't help it, and yelling at them is never cool. If I ever do that, end me.
4) Dunkin' Donuts
Dunkin' Donuts is usually a consolation in times of great need. Their iced coffee is like crackinacup, and there's no denying it. So why are they on my bad side? Folks, pumpkin spice is hands down the most delightful of seasonal flavors, and it's really hard to screw up. I had no coffee in my apartment, and I thought "well, I'll treat myself to a pumpkin latte on the cold, rainy, bad-shoed walk to work. It will be like a little oasis of Autumn under my pathetic, leaky umbrella." But you know what it tasted like? A gingersnap that got lost in the couch. How did they do that? No, really, SOMEBODY TELL ME HOW.
Ok. The End. Coming up next, a list of things I love....full of fluffy kittens and joy. I promise. No more rage.....
1) Taxis
Sure, it was raining. That would certainly explain why the first 300 drove right by me with warm, snuggly New Yorkers already swaddled in their pleather back seats. But when one finally stopped for me, and I asked "Penn Station?" He just gave me a dismissive hand-flip and drove away, as if to say "Oh, piffle! That's only a 20 minute walk through the freezing wind and rain on this, the first truly wintry day of October, and I have some very important calls to make on my bluetooth. Your $8 of easy cab fare are dead to me, you miserable resident of the Garden State." Really?! You won't take pity on me, with my backpack, oversized purse, and broken umbrella? A pox on your bluetooth!
2) Inappropriate footwear
Well, hello teal silk flats. Aren't you looking lovely today? I think we'll make a delightful outfit, you and I. Let's take a stroll through the city. Oh.....it's raining? Well, I'm already out the door, no time to go back up and change into boots, so we'll just have to manage. What's that? You're not water-proof? Well that's alright. You are, after all, made of silk, so I wasn't expecting a miracle. I'll just stay away from the deeper puddles. Oh, wait, when you said "not waterproof," what you really meant was YOU DON'T FEEL LIKE DOING YOUR JOB, which is to be a FUCKING SHOE and protect my feet from the elements. Seriously. How is there water coming through the soles of my shoes?
3) People who can't walk in a straight line
Pick a side, swervy! I've got places to be. On a side note, I knew I had gotten just a little tooooo feisty when, walking behind an old lady in CVS, I almost choked because of the effort it took not to scream "make a slow lane, grandma!" Old people can't help it, and yelling at them is never cool. If I ever do that, end me.
4) Dunkin' Donuts
Dunkin' Donuts is usually a consolation in times of great need. Their iced coffee is like crackinacup, and there's no denying it. So why are they on my bad side? Folks, pumpkin spice is hands down the most delightful of seasonal flavors, and it's really hard to screw up. I had no coffee in my apartment, and I thought "well, I'll treat myself to a pumpkin latte on the cold, rainy, bad-shoed walk to work. It will be like a little oasis of Autumn under my pathetic, leaky umbrella." But you know what it tasted like? A gingersnap that got lost in the couch. How did they do that? No, really, SOMEBODY TELL ME HOW.
Ok. The End. Coming up next, a list of things I love....full of fluffy kittens and joy. I promise. No more rage.....
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