Things On My Shit List

Friends, please don't think that I'm a rage-filled person. I'm really not. But every once in a while, I have a series of days that can only be dealt with by unleashing vast quantities of snark upon the world, or upon my blog and the 5 people who read it. Here are the things that have been making me a bitch(face?) lately:

1) Taxis
Sure, it was raining. That would certainly explain why the first 300 drove right by me with warm, snuggly New Yorkers already swaddled in their pleather back seats. But when one finally stopped for me, and I asked "Penn Station?" He just gave me a dismissive hand-flip and drove away, as if to say "Oh, piffle! That's only a 20 minute walk through the freezing wind and rain on this, the first truly wintry day of October, and I have some very important calls to make on my bluetooth. Your $8 of easy cab fare are dead to me, you miserable resident of the Garden State." Really?! You won't take pity on me, with my backpack, oversized purse, and broken umbrella? A pox on your bluetooth!

2) Inappropriate footwear
Well, hello teal silk flats. Aren't you looking lovely today? I think we'll make a delightful outfit, you and I. Let's take a stroll through the city. Oh.....it's raining? Well, I'm already out the door, no time to go back up and change into boots, so we'll just have to manage. What's that? You're not water-proof? Well that's alright. You are, after all, made of silk, so I wasn't expecting a miracle. I'll just stay away from the deeper puddles. Oh, wait, when you said "not waterproof," what you really meant was YOU DON'T FEEL LIKE DOING YOUR JOB, which is to be a FUCKING SHOE and protect my feet from the elements. Seriously. How is there water coming through the soles of my shoes?

3) People who can't walk in a straight line
Pick a side, swervy! I've got places to be. On a side note, I knew I had gotten just a little tooooo feisty when, walking behind an old lady in CVS, I almost choked because of the effort it took not to scream "make a slow lane, grandma!" Old people can't help it, and yelling at them is never cool. If I ever do that, end me.

4) Dunkin' Donuts
Dunkin' Donuts is usually a consolation in times of great need. Their iced coffee is like crackinacup, and there's no denying it. So why are they on my bad side? Folks, pumpkin spice is hands down the most delightful of seasonal flavors, and it's really hard to screw up. I had no coffee in my apartment, and I thought "well, I'll treat myself to a pumpkin latte on the cold, rainy, bad-shoed walk to work. It will be like a little oasis of Autumn under my pathetic, leaky umbrella." But you know what it tasted like? A gingersnap that got lost in the couch. How did they do that? No, really, SOMEBODY TELL ME HOW.

Ok. The End. Coming up next, a list of things I love....full of fluffy kittens and joy. I promise. No more rage.....

Cat the Creampuff

Or, the Epic Battle of My Multiple Personalities.

I was doing so well guys. I had this bitch face going, and I would walk right by those "save the animals" kids with their clipboards and their baby seal t-shirts, and they knew--don't ask Bitchface for money. Bitchface won't give it to you.

But then came the day of the voucher. In my defense, I was really tired, really hungry, and I'd been thinking about getting a haircut for weeks. I wasn't at my best. Here goes:

On my way out of work last Tuesday, a very non-threatening, lanky gay man came up to me and said "hey can I ask you a question?" Now, Bitchface wasn't awake and being all scary, and it's a touristy area, so I honestly thought he wanted directions. But nooooooo. He wanted to offer me a special voucher for a discount package at a new Paul Mitchell salon. The former teenager with a Cosmo subscription deep inside of me went "ooooooooh!" And then he pretty much had me: $70 for a haircut, manicure, mini-facial, eyebrows, shoulder massage, etc. Yes, please, I said. So he said "just put your name and zip code on the voucher," which seemed harmless enough. Then he pulled out his clipboard--why, oh why, is there always a clipboard?--and showed me where to enter my credit card information.

That's when Bitchface woke up and gave me a swift kick in the common sense. I started backtracking. "Oh.......what?......forgot my wallet......no cards......." Then LankyGay was sad. "Can't reuse the voucher because you wrote on it (pout pout). Can you pay with cash?" Says LankyGay. "I only have $20," says CosmoTeen, as she steps hard on Bitchface's foot. Replies LankyGay: "well, don't tell them I did this, look, I promise I'm not cheating you, look, here's my card, see the name? Look at my driver's license, and my credit card. Same name, see? You can call the salon right now and make an appointment, you can have the voucher for $20, just don't tell them that's how much you paid when you get there, ok?"

And, in the epic battle between CosmoTeen and Bitchface, CosmoTeen pulled the unforgivable girl-fight maneuver of yanking Bitchface's hair. Hard. During Bitchface's stunned moment of "oh no she didn't," CosmoTeen handed over the $20.

I called the salon (all three of me, that is), made the appointment, and hated myself. I went home, looked them up online, and you know what? They're legit, as in they exist, but apparently they suck, so rather than get a bad haircut, I decided to just be $20 poorer.

But I learned an important lesson: I am a creampuff. Why did I feel like I owed LankyGay anything? No, Cat, no! LankyGay, vaguely a con man, does not get a $20 consolation prize just because I didn't give him $70. Bitchface is really mad at me right now, but she's practicing her moves, and I have a feeling she's never letting another dollar out of this wallet. CosmoTeen is totally grounded.